How do we bridge the relationship gap—the gap between what we hope for and desire and what we actually experience?
On one side of the gap is the reality of failed marriages, absent parents, rebellious children, disloyal friends, and gossiping churches. On the other side of this gap place the words of Jesus: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another” (John 13:34). When I look at how big this gap really is, I can easily work myself into a Grand Canyon-sized depression. How is it possible to ever bridge such a distance?
When you’re in trouble, you need an expert. If you’re having problems with your kitchen sink, call a plumber; if your car’s transmission is going out, go see a mechanic. What about relationships? Who is the expert? The world’s foremost expert on relationships is Jesus Christ. Just look at the way he related to people. Jesus was great at relationships. The crowds flocked to him, his followers loved to be around him, and even his enemies paid him an unintended compliment when they called him a “friend of … ‘sinners’” (Matthew 11:19).
A few years ago I sat down to read through the Gospels with an eye on relationships. I was looking for the answer to a simple question: How did Jesus relate to the thousands of people he came into contact with during his public ministry? I must honestly say I was quite surprised. The relationship expert did not always relate to others as I would have expected him to. Where I might have rebuked, he offered forgiveness (for example, Luke 7:36–50). Where I might have encouraged, he served up a scathing indictment (for example, Matthew 8:23–27). As I looked to learn about relationships from the example of Jesus, I felt a little like a middle school algebra student thrown into a university trigonometry class. I was in over my head. Sometimes I had to admit I didn’t even understand the questions, let alone the answers. As one who had pastored and counseled people for many years, this came as a humbling experience. It wasn’t that I was naive to the point of thinking I always did the right thing in relationships. But I thought I at least knew the right thing to do. I found that rather than just reinforcing our way of doing relationships, Jesus charts out an entirely new way of relating to people.
When Jesus says, “Turn the other cheek” (see Matthew 5:39), he points to a new way of relating to people. His stern challenges to Peter plot a new course in relationship skills. Would you or I chastise someone who had just walked on water for his lack of faith (see Matthew 14:31)? His sharp-tongued indictment of the Pharisees takes our old maps off the table. Most of us would consider it definitely unchristian to call others snakes (Matthew 23:33)! Jesus had a different way of relating to people, and we obviously have much to learn.
As I took the journey of reading through the Gospels, gradually and steadily six relationship principles emerged. These are the principles we’ll focus on for the next forty days. I don’t claim or intend this to be an exhaustive list, yet these six all-encompassing truths are seen again and again in Jesus’ life and teaching.
Let’s get a few things on the table from the start. First, these are clearly not the only principles Jesus gave us with regard to relationships. We could easily come up with a list of twenty or thirty relationship principles taught by Jesus. Yet these six are at the core of his teaching and his example.
Second, Jesus is the expert here—not any one of us, and that certainly includes me! We are fellow learners who look together at the expert—at Jesus—so we can learn from him.
As you open this book, you’ll see forty chapters to be read over forty days. I strongly encourage you to read this book as it is laid out. The book is shaped this way because we tend to learn best over time and through repetition and reminders. You could choose to speed through this book in a few days, but it will not have nearly the impact on your relationships as will result over the course of forty days.
At the end of each day’s reading, you’ll find three features to help you in this journey. First, a Point to Ponder, which sums up the chapter’s main message in a sentence. Second, a Verse to Remember, which gives a verse from the Bible that you can put to memory. Not many of us will be able to memorize a verse for each day, yet if you could choose just one of the verses from each week and memorize it, you’ll be spiritually refreshed and strengthened in surprising ways. At the end of each chapter is also a Question to Consider—a personal thought question to focus your thinking toward action and change. At the end of the book, there is a list of additional Questions for Friends, Couples, and Small Groups. You’ll learn more if you read this book at the same time as someone else, and then get together to share what you’ve both learned. These questions are designed to spark your discussion, whether you’re at a lunchtime meeting with a friend from work or school, on a relationship-building date with your spouse, or at a meeting in your home with your small group.
As we look at the relationship principles of Jesus over these next forty days, our purpose is not to somehow polish our relationship skills to perfection within the pages of this book—an obviously impossible task! Instead, my hope and prayer is that we’ll be encouraged to set off in a new direction—the direction of relating to others the way Jesus did. To be sure, it’s a journey that takes a lifetime—and then some. But every step will show its worth in our everyday lives.

Tom Holladay and Rick Warren, The Relationship Principles of Jesus (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2023).