How to be quick to hear

Imagine an egg timer installed in your brain. Every time you start talking, reset the egg timer. Set if for three to five minutes—no more than five minutes. This is the length of time you have to talk, assuming you talk that long. You talk no longer than three to five minutes.

When your five minutes is up, you let them talk. If they don’t have anything to say, you ask questions. If their answers are brief, you ask more questions. Imagine they have an egg timer. You keep asking questions until they have talked as long as you have. When the conversation is over, you should not have talked any longer than they did. If you dominated the conversation, I bet several things were true:

• You were not refreshing, you made them tired.

• They don’t look forward to seeing you again.

• You struggle to get along with people. You might not know why. This might be it.

• You don’t have many deep, satisfying relationships.

• Your marriage is probably not all that great.

The egg timer is just that important. It can make or break your relationships. I have seen this principle violated a thousand times, as you probably have as well. How do people who talk too much make you feel? We don’t want to be that way. There is great benefit in being quick to hear.

When you are listening, you need to do three things:

• Remove distractions. Put away your phone. Turn off your computer screen. Turn off the TV.

• Listen. Pay attention. Think. Be curious. The key to good listening is curiosity.

• Ask thoughtful follow-up questions. Ask the reporter’s friends: Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?

This is what it means to be quick to hear.

As simple as this is, it is always shocking to me how often people violate this principle. Perhaps they think it is not a big deal. It is. It drives everyone in your world crazy. It is selfish to dominate the conversation and talk more than you listen. It is hurtful and rude.

Josh Hunt, How to Get Along With Almost Anyone, 2014.